1. The temptation to retire from the world growing fruit, and vegetables

1. The temptation to retire from the world in one’s own private vision

1. The temptation to retire from the world

(prophet in the marketplace) [Thoreau]

2. In need of a marketplace. 

3. Rudolf the Christmas raindeer has a very shinyshutup.

4. At the café it’s Christmas since november 6th. She bursts into tears at the sound of carols.
“I wasn’t ready”

5. Sitting alone at the takeaway sushi place which does every Asian food so we don’t really know where they’re from. A piano in the background, sipping tap water, waiting for pad thai. Locked out of her apartment, doing her best thinking.

6. She sits on the toilet and forgets she is sat. Doing her best thinking. Sometimes out loud.

7. Locked herself out. She walks alone in the empty streets, on an empty football pitch covered in snow. There’s a faint pink light and it looks like a nativity scene. She keeps walking the frozen ground up to a hill. There she begins to sing. Then she decides to try Skype.

8.
HER: Hey
HIM: Where are you?
HER: On the hill behind my house
HIM: Wait
HIM: Isn’t it 3am for you? It must be freezing out there
HER: It’s -10. I’m OK.  I had pad thai.
HIM: Isn’t anyone there to help?
HER: I forgot the spare key in LA. But my friend is getting it back. Over Christmas.
HIM: How about your landlord?
HER: He’s at a concert. He called me back during the interlude.

9.
HIM, 70 something, wearing a tuxedo, whispering: Allo?
HER, 20 something, wearing a puffer jacket and a scarf wrapped on her head under the hood, in the snow, at the front door: Hi. It’s your tenant. Sorry again. I was just...wondering...are you home?
HIM: Oh. Hello. No I’m at a concert. It’s the interlude.
HER: No worries.
HIM: Did you need anything?
HER: It’s just. I’m locked out, but...
HIM: You’re locked out?! Do you have anywhere to go? We’re stuck here and then we have a dinner. We won’t be home before late! It’s cold outside.
HER: I’ll be just fine. I’ll go to a friends’.


10. Waiting for pad thai. This very American way of asking, so, what are your takeaways? From a talk, a book. I always think, spring rolls, noodles.

11. Snow completely erases human’s attempts at drawing the city. It totally makes up its own rules.“A zebra crossing here? I don’t think so.”

12. You’re broke but at least you’re broke with style.

13.
You can read the whole story in snow. He went there, then he went here, then we don’t know why he went on a loop like this, up to that tree. Then he stopped, see, and came back over here. I kept walking.

For a second I was thinking, damn, if I was hunted right now I would be in real danger. They could track my every move, no way to escape.

I wasn’t really hunted though.There was no one behind me.

Actually, I was fine.

14.
HER: So, it’s a funny piece.
HIM: I did read it. Yes.
HER: Did you like it? What did you think?
HIM: I liked it.
HER, hopeful: Yes?
HIM: But it’s not...funny.
HER: Why? No, yes, it’s funny. It’s not ah-ah funny. It’s depressed funny.
HIM: And what would that be?
HER: It’s funny with a twist.

15. Just like poetry is ordinary made shiny.

16. When I walk in the streets I don’t understand why no one is crying.

17. Walking in the café. It’s the 17th day of Christmas. She stops in the kitchen, surprised:
“You two? They put the three of us together? That’s a strange combination.”
-It’s a new constellation.


18. OK. The very fact that in this world, people wake up and
write poetry
bake pastry
say good morning
I don’t know. It’s a little miracle.


19. Try to perform an action very slow and speak at normal pace at the same time. Like doing tai chi whilst attempting to tell what happened to you last night. Or moving about fifty plastic glasses filled to the rim on a table, because there isn’t enough space for the canapés, and tuning into the party.

20. Oh I have a Christmas tree. It keeps me company. No, I don’t decorate it. It’s more like a flatmate.

21. When she wakes up late in the winter it becomes a race for the sun. She knows she has about 1.5 hour to catch some daylight. She rushes downstairs taking off her pyjamas. Behind the house there is a hill. A group of people have already gathered there. Well, Scandinavian gathered (respectfully keeping three meters distance from one another.) The sun is there ahead of us. The moon is just behind, pushy. We close our eyes and gaze towards the light. Just that.


22. Two women in a park, leaning on a tree. Smiling, eyes closed towards the sun washing their face. Paris.


23. She’s in pain. She starts to cry and panic, doesn’t know where to hide. She lies down beneath the Christmas tree, curled up like a dog. She smells the needles and hides her face from sight under the branches. Guests keep arriving. Her family and some of the guests enter the room glasses in hand, they see her on the carpet. It takes them a while to cognise the situation.

MOTHER: Are you ok?
HER: ...
HER: Yes.
HER: It reminds me of Scandinavia.

24.
HER: Can you stay a little longer?
SUN: You must be kidding. You woke up at 3.
HER: I’m trying my best here.
SUN: You’re dysfunctional.
HER: I’m dysfunctional? You’re sleeping at 3.30!
MOON: Can somebody tell me what I’m supposed to do?
HER: Leave!
SUN: Stay! Alright. Party’s over. Everybody go home.
MOON: Me too?
SUN: No not you.
HER to SUN: How’d you manage to get those shifts? Such a hack.
MOON: Tell me about it.
SUN: Hey I used to be 24/7 baby!
HER: I’m going back to bed.


25. I would like to own a tree to lean on.

26. After the shower I come to the window. It overlooks the whole of Paris. This view never seems to change. I see the school, the kids playing at the after class. ‘Damn’, I think, ‘this used to be me.’ A little 20 years ago. Then I think of how tough it must be for my mum to look at this school. Then I think if I see them, they can see me, and I’m not wearing a top.


27. We don’t have Christmas traditions. This year it’s beetroot soup. I’m heartbroken and making Polish beetroot soup, cutting all the onions. I don’t know. We’re italians.

28. We have expensive Chinese furniture.
We also have plastic garden chairs in the kitchen.
We have an old wooden floor on one side of the house, and an ugly new laminate on the other.

The microwave button flips out and falls everytime the door opens.

No kettle, tea is made in the microwave.

29.
HIM: You could be a content creator.
HER: What kind of content do you create?
HIM: Crap, mostly.

30. I don’t have anything to say under 100 characters.

31.
HIM: See this ice-cream?
HER: I do.
HIM: That’s from depression.
HER: What?
to ANOTHER: I don’t get it.
ANOTHER: He’s on benefits.
HER: Oh.
HIM: Here, you want coffee? What do you want, cake?
HER: I’m cool thanks.
ANOTHER: Get it! It’s on Depression.

32.
ANOTHER: I still think prostitution is the best way you’d make money right now.
HIM: Or she could be a content creator.

33. And then a small group of them started to congregate afterwards, to discuss the sunset. On their way back in, they’re asked: how was it today? “Good, good” “Sorry I missed it”. And they try to to catch it the day after.

34.
DEPRESSION: Hi! I’m back.
HIM: I know.
HIM: Can you just take your shoes off please.
DEPRESSION: Relax man. I got you ice-cream. What are you watching?
HIM: Just that, the. TV show.
DEPRESSION: Again?

35. The way I perceive myself.

36. The way others perceive me.

37.
DEPRESSION: You eat your nosepoop?
HER: That’s not how it’s called.
DEPRESSION: How is it called?
HER: Secretions.
DEPRESSION: And you eat it?

38. She went to the library and turned her laptop on. She hoped the sound was off but no, the whole place resonated with that familiar mac booting up. The attention! The shame!

39. I was bored with romanticism. I found a new term which suits me better. It’s called Quixotism. I didn’t make it up. It’s from Cervantes. It’s this stubborn persistency in doing things motivated by ideals, although it turns out to be more and more inconvenient.

40. She’s learning to distinguish where her pain starts and his suffering ends. Turns out there’s very little discrepancy.

41. It is 10pm in Norway and as a silent common agreement, everyone has switched their reading lights off. Almost every single screen on the aircraft is on. I watch what they’re watching, hopping between one and the other, images without a sound. I feel, this is the most I’ve been taken care of in months, which is a little sad, considering I travel in economy class on a low-cost airline and it’s a ten hours flight. I allow myself to rest. There’s a little button and I can press it whenever and the lady comes and asks if I want water. Then, they give me two meals. I just need to sit and look forward to the next meal. There’s entertainment and people and a comfortable chair, and the bathrooms are nearby. I always call them bathrooms although there isn’t actually a bath in them, rather than “restrooms”, which sounds less polite/elegant. Besides I don’t rest in there either, so here you go. Maybe I’ll be happy in jail. If nothing else works out. I am in a constricted situation and there’s absolutely nothing I can do, and I haven’t felt as relaxed in months. “This is when I strive most”, he would say. They ask me if I want tea or coffee and I start crying, because they’re bringing me a cup of coffee and it feels so gentle and kind. I wonder if most people wouldn’t mind spending the rest of their lives like this. 

42. Is taking a photograph a way to tame the landscape? I think so. Is it putting in perspective our own, minor state of existence?

43. Most fatal accidents and injuries in the Grand Canyon are due to squirrels. It’s not height, it’s rabies.

44. I was on the edge of vastness.

45. Back to pothead town. The taxi driver’s name is Georg, a trained actor from Armenia and he’s going to kick off my career in show-biz. Here just take my number. When I moved to this city, he said, I was 33 - Jesus old.

46. Vegas: a bunch of people found a cheap spot of land with no federal laws.

47. Two Swedes in America. “We had a cinnamon bun. It was huge. I’ve never seen such a huge bun my whole life.”

48. When I am still there is no sound.

49. LAX, the nasty sound suddenly stopped and all the people in line started to clap.

50.
MUM: Have a nice trip!
“thank you.”
MUM: Can you give me the contact details of the person you’re staying with in case your father dies?

51. Lake Havasu
On the way back the car tires got funny. They’d deflate and show strange numbers. We ended up in Lake Havasu at a Chevy concessionary, as Linda (driver lady) said. Then we went to see the London Bridge. It’s been moved to Lake Havasu. There was a church with a sign:
‘JESUS GOOD. SIN BAD. DETAIL INSIDE’.

I spent the whole trip with a white tissue on my lap because according to Linda it reflects the sunrays. It is also practical when you’re eating and if you’re ever carsick, which happens to me regularly. That’s for Lake Havasu. It is likely I will never go there again.

52. Los Angeles
LA is nasty. Some things that didn’t occur to anyone in LA:
-public transport
-water points
-benches/surface to sit other than car
-not to own a husky

53. Nightlife
In the evening I ventured out to get some food and started to feel paranoid although there was no concrete reason to. It reminded me of a teacher at college who was living near Battersea bridge in south London. He would go across the bridge every night after work and meet with those two same policemen. The guys would tell him ‘hey this is a dangerous area, you know that? Better be careful around here, I’d avoid this bridge’. And so they’d tell him off over and over until one day he realised they were the only three people ever crossing the bridge.

54. Similarly when you walk in LA it feels like you’re doing something wrong, like you’re no supposed to. I even convinced myself I was up to no good. Possibly because every other person walking is on drugs.

55. There’s this phenomenon when you can’t figure out if the guy at the end of the road is actually walking towards you or away from you, and it happens to always be this guy with a funny walk, suspicious walk you know, so I start to slow down a bit and also accelerate (because I don’t know if he’s coming towards me or away from me so I alternate) and then all of a sudden you realise he has a dog and somehow everything is better, a huge weight off your shoulders, since he has a dog he can’t be a psycho, like it’s mutually exclusive. A guy walking funny without a dog is dangerous, but if you accessorise him it becomes endearing. Also from afar I thought he was holding a lantern but it was just the pooh bag hanging in the same hand as his phone.

And then people start to look at you funny cause you don’t have a dog so what’s your excuse

As I try to timidly make my way through the streets with my little hand drawn map the dogs bark after me street by street block by block possibly because I have a taco in my bag but also generally because I’m the *only* *person* walking, and owners come out to check the situation and you hide your map; I know we are supposed to be modern people, but wait until you see my maps your heart is going to melt. Anyhow it is lucky it’s America and people speak to you for no particular reason to ask how you are and you can ask them for directions without feeling you’re entering their private space. In the end I got to the crossroads and remembered the past months of intense effort on this strict vegan diet (exaggeration), realised it’s being wiped away by the sole amount of cars in the street (if we count in eggs one car is probably 50 eggs, in average, I don’t know).

56. Griffith Park
Accidentally climbed all the way up the observatory at Griffith Park because I was looking for the café. I was never wanting to go on a hike, found myself sat in the shade next to a dog who was hot too. I recalled Woody Allen’s attempt to get Diane Keaton back to New York. How could she not? What’s with everyone and the sun? I was always on his side. Plus everyone stops and smiles at you and asks how you are and is happy jogging uphill. There’s two things I do not find satisfaction in, sweating and going on top of inanimate things. The dog doesn’t either but its owner does, so they carry on. As I sit contemplating human condition, and how the only exercise I need to do is going up the stairs in the subway, I realise there’s a dusty, cloudy halo over the city. This my dear, is pollution. And defeats the only reason why one would want to go uphill, ‘seeing the city below’. So I went and to buy sunflowers instead.

57. Where do you live? The woman at the flower shop asked. Where do you live, what do you do. When the most basic chit-chat questions are hard to answer, this is when you know you’ve got things to figure out. I live here. Temporarily. I don’t know where I live next, I am not sure what I do, next. I don’t live anywhere, or I live everywhere. Every time I go somewhere, this is where I live. I couldn’t articulate any of it to the flower shop lady, so I said ‘I don’t know’, and bought daffodils.

58. When you live ‘anywhere’ airports become curious places of identification, like some international group membership. At the airport I know the routines, I know where to go and what to do. I recognise the bathrooms, the little resealable plastic bags, the smell of the seats, ‘consumed air’ my mum says (as in, already breathed in and out many times, needing renewal). I won’t go as far as to say it feels homy - but surely familiar, so, somewhat ‘safe’.

59. When filling documents in order to register my move to Norway, I was asked what the ‘reasons for moving’ were. The options, employment, self-employment, person of own means, being related to another Norwegian citizen, and a few more. I was tempted to tick the ‘other’ box and explain how I very much enjoy walking in the woods, and the air is not so polluted, and also, I can have a garden. Good social security. The snow.

60. Why are you here? They ask when you live abroad.

61. Doing song covers is a bit like calling a town ‘London’ in Canada or ‘Paris’ in Texas. Nobody understands. It’s a disappointment. Why couldn’t they come up with something else?

62. When you’re abroad you are systematically more interesting. Because you’re foreign (‘alien’, even, they say, how exciting is that?) You don’t even have to do anything.

1. Can romantic cynicism be the middle ground between actual cynicism and naivety?

2. He thought he was happy, she thought he was biased.

3.
HER: You think I’m mad, I say it’s wisdom
HER: Have you even heard of depressive realism?
HER: Well, the idea is that negativity may reflect a more accurate appraisal of the world
HER: But also that non-depressed individuals' appraisals are positively biased
HER: Like you
HER: And I bet you’ve given me mono

4. A man in the library laughed out loud. How dare he.

5. There’s this time, at blue hour, just after sunset but not dark enough, where you’re sat in front of the window, and slowly, as the light goes down, your image appears in the reflection, momentarily merging ‘you’ and ‘outdoors’, until more and more darkness comes, and eventually you prevail and everything else disappears. It’s like the physical indication that night calls for introspection.

6. She tries to get a job as a librarian.
- I’m sorry we only hire graduates from the School of Librarians.

- There’s a school for that?
- Yes. I am a graduate of that school.
- Well, I do know the alphabet.
Legitimate librarian looks at wannabe librarian with spite.
- But look at me! I got the haircut! I got the glasses! What more do I need? I can do it!
- You need a degree from the School of Librarians.

7. GRANDMA: Back in the days you had your ten fingers they’d hire you. You knew how to count they’d hire you. You’re alive? Hired!

8. She loves doing nothing. She never gets tired of it. One day, it occurred to her she should be an aristocrat. 

9. I realised I don’t know how to clean. I just, sort of, move the dirt around.

10. Out of all the people in the world, those who still type their smiley faces are her favourite. And among those, the ones who still type the nose of the smileys are the absolute top-notch. 

11. :-)

12. She stops and stares in the vacuum in bizarre places like on top of a chair or in front of the microwave. Sometimes, he asks “are you ok?” but often he just lets her. 
TO A FRIEND: She’s onto something.

13.
PARTNER: You’re being unreasonable. And jealous.
YOUNG WOMAN: She’s always doing those cool things.
PARTNER: Like what?
YOUNG WOMAN: Well, the last thing she’s told me is that she danced with a cheesemonger all night.
PARTNER: And that’s cool?
YOUNG WOMAN: Yes! We never do anything fun. I’ve never met a cheesemonger before. 

14.
HER: I’ll introduce you to this couple. They’re nice, everyone likes them. Their electricity bill is included in the rent.

15. She tries to get a job as a model. Sorry, they said, you smile too much.

16. Then she’s home and tries to look pissed off in front of the mirror.

What is it about models always looking pissed off?
Is it the beauty?
Is it the fame?
Is it the money?

17. Where is the youth? 
- busy accumulating debt in post-graduate studies
- travelling the world in search of truth
- in cafés making the drinks of those in their 30’s
- instagram

18. He jumps.
“Go out? What do you need to go out for? Stay inside”.

19. The strangest way a man ever tried to hook me up was asking if I wanted to read the Bible with him on Friday night.

20. They go to an organ recital. “Bring your own pillow. These wooden benches can split your ass into to. Was Jesus against comfort? And heating?”

21. It’s snowing, but inside they’re all wearing t-shirts. He tries to befriend the host, but evidently they have nothing to say to each other. What he is actually trying to do is stick around in this sub-tropical climate just a little longer. As he is walked to the door he needs to make something up fast, as an absolute last resource, he throws it at last: sports?

22. Babysitting a newborn : if he can’t sleep just put him on the balcony (Scandinavia still).

23. It’s 2067. The iphone 53s was just released.

24. I was vomiting in bed and Notre-Dame was burning. There’s a gut link here.

25. She is babysitting a 7-year old. Both speak British english. They’re both lying in the child’s bed, facing each other, she a little sideways. They’re listening to an audiobook, it’s about a XIXth century white family shipwrecked in the West Indies (with good morals).
An American voice, male, reads: “Chapter 50. They arrive on the island. It is dark and rainy, and Claus is the first to set foot on land. ‘Oh papa, how bright is the moon.’”
She interrupts: “Claus is the reason why they’re shipwrecked?” 

-No they just went on an adventure.
“Oh. Looking for something”
-No! 
“What there’s no treasure”
-No! They just thought it was nice.
“Maybe they were bored.”
Meanwhile, the audiobook continues. “Johannes tears his shirt. ‘I won’t continue without Jasper’s approval!”
“-Who’s Johannes again?”

Seven-year-old patiently know-it-all: That’s the brother. He’s up to something.
“Up to no good?”
They both nod.

“The weathered boat appeared even more lugubrious under the nightsky. And Johannes, despite Claus’s vain attempts, refused to move”. 
She throws a pillow on her head “Ok I’m lost”.
American reader, louder, vehemently “Then take off your dress! And he disappeared in the trees.” Transition tune. Seven-year-old attentive. “Chapter 51.”

26. As far as I know, many Italians are still daydreaming of a smartphone capable to brew your morning coffee. That’s what they would call a technological advance.

27. She is watching a YouTube video where yet another American male voice tells her how to master editing and various other technological functions more or less regarding the God-like Adobe suite. Her eyes are well open underneath her glasses and she conscientiously writes the instructions on a piece of paper, creating a semi-organised bolt-penned diagram. After a while, he enters the room and she’s crying.

28. She’s at the cinema. She turns up by herself ten minutes before the show and buys a ticket at the till. There is no queue because people booked theirs in advance and no popcorns are being sold. Instead, a few scattered tables exhibit a wine card and an already significant amount half-full glasses of average Pinot grigio. The usher is perfectly reflecting the atmosphere of the premise (a newly-refurbished single-screen cinema from the 1920’s) wearing a classic large-buttoned double-breasted uniform, with the matching round had and a state-of-the-art smartphone, scanning the incoming visitor’s tickets. She shyly walks up to him handing her paper ticket with a shaky hand. He tries to scan it. Tries again. A sophisticated queue is building up. At last he looks at her, holds the ticket, and tears it – “old school”, he says.

29. In old black and white photographs people look stern and austere. When did we start to smile on photographs?

30. GRANDMOTHER: I woke up today and my knee was hurting. I thought that maybe I should go back to bed. “How about the Dead? Are they going to water the flowers themselves? Chop chop!”

31. Nan can we put the fire on? 
“I don’t put the fire on”.
But it’s so cold.
“If I put it on I’ll get sick going in and out from the garden!”
So she lives in dampness and never gets sick. 

32. There’s a deck of cards behind the television, it’s an old TV like we’re communists or something. It holds a very large cable in place - if the cable’s out the screen starts to go green, then purple, then black and white. For Christmas, once a year, we play a traditional italian card game. It takes 15 minutes to find pen and paper because there’s so much crap in the drawers. But the deck of cards...

33. This generation of Italian women’s (my mother, aunts, grandmother) advice on how to make food. The recipes: “and if you have a bit of parmesan, put it in…” or, “if you have a little thyme, it goes well too”.. They don’t buy ingredients, they are not from the supermarket. They just happen to find themselves in their cupboards,  fridges and hanging above the window sill.
Most probably the neighbour brought it over. Or it was a gift from some religious-related event in which food exchange is customary. Either way - it’s just lying there.

I look at my fridge, ponder on this millennial lifestyle, where food doesn’t just “happen” to be around the house, but you need to go fetch it; the supermarkets and the empty cupboards, the ready-meals and fashionable avocado toasts (GRANDMA: so what is it bread with something on it), and call my mum whilst making dinner.

34. All women from my grandmother’s generation use cologne on one and only special occasion: the visit to the doctor.

35. I, can give indispensable nutrients to another living being.

36. Then why is it so hard to pay rent?

37. Hospital corridor. Middle Eastern music playing, we don’t know where from really. People are waiting, not so many of them. From time to time someone stands up and walks around, both out of impatience and to stretch their legs. Then a man opens his briefcase on his lap and starts to shave.  

38. Later. Hospital corridor. The same group of people waiting. Man is fully shaved and has a new haircut. 

39. Ophtalmologist: It turns out your left eye can’t keep up with the right. 

40. Gynecologist: So what do you do?
In the light of someone staring at my vulva, somehow, small talk becomes very futile.

41. I wonder why doctors ask you personal questions and whether the answers ever affect the diagnosis. Do you exercise regularly? No? I’m sorry then, it’s cancer. 

42: DENTIST: Now, do you floss?
HER (impeded by tube in her mouth) : Yes I do.

43. He sued them because they removed his Michelin stars. The judges are being interviewed.
COMITTEE:  He lied about the cheese in the ravioli.
(somewhere in France)

44. He had the ears of thousand of years of incestuous insular reproduction. And kind of the feet, too, especially his middle toe. I broke up with him.

45. On the phone: “Have you heard of Auntie R becoming a grandma?”
COUSIN: Yeah she put a photo on Facebook as soon as he came out of the vagina.

46. Night. Tossing and turning in bed having nightmares about being questioned by the FDI (International Dental Federation) : “You lied! You lied!”

47. She decided she wouldn’t go out with him. 
A FRIEND: How did you decide?
“I didn’t like the way he spells his messages. He just doesn’t spell right”.
THE FRIEND: That turns you off?
“Totally”.
THE FORMER FRIEND: You’re such a snob.

48. An older woman isn’t equanimous in her love for birds. She likes the little ones.
She does homemade seeded protein balls with organic butter for their enjoyment.
But the magpies
The blackbirds - worse! the pigeons.
They’re totally not OK. They do not deserve protein balls.

49. Still on the sofa.
DEPRESSION: Just try to find a reason to wake up in the morning. Take those Finnish protein crackers you don’t like. You could feed them to the birds. 

50. Everyday she woke up and sat at the window watching the crumbs quickly disappear, like her own suffering dissolving with each jumpy peck. She was essential again.

51. I write to you love letters in my sleep, I know that because I was uttering the words as I woke up, “standing at the edge of two infinities”. [Thoreau] (again)

52. The February sun seemed vulgar, out of place.

53. I’m on all the wrong times lately, in my own time zone, I sleep in the day, wake at night and the whole morning. According to my calculations, right now I should be having lunch. But the real problem is I never know when to hoover.

54. I remember how the first cup of coffee was always black and the second had a little milk in, colder because the drip machine wouldn’t keep the heat properly, we bought a little one that’s why, just a small, I remember looking at you in the store as if to ask “am I allowed?”, as if I was a 12-year-old, because we didn’t have any money and every purchase including food felt like the way towards homelessness and desperation, although looking back, maybe it was an overly dramatised view of the situation. 

55. LANDLORD: How are you? No all fine, yes it’s ok about the rent being late. We still have some dry bread and butter left. (laugh) No, well, it’s not about that, it’s about the bread. The birds! Could you stop feeding them? It attracts the mice and rats from the river. 

56. DEPRESSION: Oh don’t look at me like that.

57. DEPRESSION: Please stop crying. OK, you know what, you should get a dog.

58. Early morning on the train.
“I’m going to sleep now. Don’t wake me up, unless I’m missing out on something, like a beautiful landscape.”
BLASÉ SCANDINAVIAN FRIEND: What’s a beautiful landscape?
“When there’s trees and lakes...”
BLASÉ SCANDINAVIAN FRIEND: You won’t sleep much. (they are travelling between Oslo and Stockholm)
“Then wake me up when it’s daytime”.
She closes her eyes. He starts working on his laptop. She opens her eyes:“Oh and if there’s interesting animals. Like, above a cow.”
BLASÉ SCANDINAVIAN FRIEND: Is a sheep above?
“I love sheep! But no. If there’s a deer. That you can wake me up. Or a wolf!”
BLASÉ SCANDINAVIAN FRIEND: There won’t be any wolves.
“But you get the idea. Don’t wake me up for a bird. Unless it’s a raven or something.”
BLASÉ SCANDINAVIAN FRIEND: I get the idea.

...
“And also wake me up before we arrive.”

59. Once a man tried to seduce me. Original, spontaneous, he did not come with flowers or jewelry, instead, he handed me a pack of organic chewing gums. How sweet I thought, and then realised they were expired, and my self-esteem went down the drain.

60. It is a normal, very regular family, the mother-in-law hates the wife. So she buys her son’s family a pet sheep to keep in the garden. It surely turned out to be an inconvenience, who knew? It munches on their English-style lawn. Besides, pet sheep is rather aggressive, perhaps due to a remote goat heritage, she really likes to charge the double-glazed sliding garden windows. The situation becomes intolerable, but the children’s affection for the animal is much too underway to be able to part from it. Mother-in-law is delighting. One day, though, sheep gets stuck in the well. It’s a problem.  

61. I always think of communication as one-on-one. I should start thinking of it as one-on-undefined-limitless-virtual mass.

1. Two strangers sit in the jacuzzi. Facing forward, silent and motionless. Together, bubbling. Cautiously making sure their legs do are not touching.

2. Two strangers in the sauna, facing sideways. Motionless, but one is exhaling loudly. The other gets increasingly tense and hopes the guy doesn’t get a heartattack.

3. If he gets a seizure, what will I do? I can’t run. The floor is slippery, and my feet covered in sweat. I will go out and shout, but should I leave him inside? Maybe, first I shout and then I leave the door open. I should really have some flip flops. Mother was right. It’s just, they are so ridiculous. Nobody wears them. As a child, everyone made fun of me for my non-slip anti-verruca swimming plastic socks. But now! Who gets to laugh huh, when I save an overweight man from death, all thanks to my flip-flops? They should be mandatory. And swimming caps too. Lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t realise that the other man has left.

4. Three people in the steam room.
She hopes the third guy will go, so that she can be alone with the other.
Third guy however, is holding on as long as he can, so that he can stay alone with the girl. One of them might die.

5. Eventually, third guy can’t take it any longer, and must leave defeated. The girl would like to talk out loud, but it’s so hot, it’s so hot she’s afraid she may not be able to utter a word. As she is about to casually strike a conversation, he leaves. A man who breathes loudly comes in straight after. She can’t get out now because her crush will think she is following him. So she sticks in the damp hell. 

6. A woman sits by the pool looking at the water. “There’s things I know”, she thinks. “I know my age, my nationality, my religion. I know my profession, and the name of my cat.” The swimmers start to arrange their line democratically, facing one way, then the other, alternating, aware of their abilities. “Forget it”, a younger woman thinks, “I’m so not in the fast lane”, and she switches to the free paddling. “I know where I live and how much the deposit was. I know my feet, and especially the little toe.” A loud aqua-fitness class has started and there’s much booty shaking and many vivid colours. She doesn’t notice. “I know to water my plants every five days, and the undertone of my skin...”

7. A man tries to join the aqua-fitness class and gets kicked out.
Like he could join without signing up. His briefs are inside out and I can see the tag slipping out the back.

8. They enter the cold, sterile office. It smells of paperwork and bureaucratic inflexibility, or justice. They got told off for waiting a foot beyond the allocated waiting line. It’s a line of red tape on the floor. She’s already about to cry. She notices a small calendar on the wall. It’s squared with large, red numbers and black letters for the months. It’s one of those old-fashioned ones you need to tear each day. 
“Who do you think gets to tear the day’s sheet?”

-The boss, I would guess, he answers.
“Do you think it could be the reward, for the good employees, those who manage to finish up a lot of cases?”
-Like, you get to tear the sheet if you’ve done a good job?
“Yes.”
-Maybe. And the employee of the month gets to do it every day.
“Or maybe it’s just the cleaner.”
They both notice how there is no bin and, once the good employee would get to his price, he would find himself stuck with the day’s sheet. Then it’s their turn.

9. “I got sick, and I didn’t have a doctor yet, so I called the first time and your colleague said I should come in person.”
He’s already distracted, thinking about dinner. He still has some of those frozen green beans left, maybe some steak. 
“I came yesterday and they said I couldn’t show up without an appointment.

So I booked an appointment, but no one told me I had to bring a copy of my last three months rental agreement, and my work contract, so I came back in the afternoon...”
He discreetly hides a yawn and glances at his watch. Another ten minutes and it’s the week-end. 

“...which is why I really need to apply for emergency help now, because my last salary bounced back, and...”
-Let me just check your information on my system, he interrupts. 16:56. He competently types on his keyboard, using all his fingers, including the auriculars; not just two or three.

“I can provide another health certificate from my doctor...”
He raises an authoritative finger - please, just a second; and indicating the computer, as an explanation : the system. 16:59. 

I’m sorry, but we are now closed, please come back tomorrow and you can book a new appointment with my colleague at reception. We will also need a copy of your birth certificate, and the last six months bank statements.

10. The TV is on and the show about to start. His tie is now loose and the steak is wriggling in the oily pan, crispy to perfection. He sits on the couch with a sigh of relief, holding his plate between a sharp dented knife and an unmatching fork. He rummages in his back pocket for the crumpled paper, making his seat uneven : 15 APR.

11. Mysteries: Italian families’ intensive use of WhatsApp. 

12. As read in “At the Pond” : “I can hear my family shouting non-specifically”. 

13. First, the dogs waited for him to go to the toilet. Anxiously. Pacing up and down in front of the public toilets, not those dirty regular ones, the heated and always clean type of toilet. It was very elegant, the sight of two nimble, strong dogs, guarding the cubicles. When he was finished, and came out, they acclaimed him, jumping up and down, how they missed him! Later I see the same dog, only one of them, sniffing about in the dandelions. He looks and looks and eventually finds a nice spot to relieve himself. It seems he is not doing so well. I try to give him some discreet encouragement and also not to look too much, in case that makes him feel uncomfortable, and also because it’s gross. After a little while I hear voices calling for him. He’s not finished, not even started. The tension really builds up and he look at me, what do I do? Meanwhile the call intensifies, seemingly more and more upset. I tell him, I don’t know buddy, it’s your call, but I would finish up. His owner is insistent, more firm. DOG panics and it’s not helping his situation. At last I make the decision: don’t worry, I’ll break it to him. I follow the voice and eventually find the owner, waiting with the other dog. He’s playing the valedictorian attitude, composed and a little pissed off. “I was there on time”.
I ignore him and go straight for the owner. “Hi, (I introduce myself) I’m sorry but your dog is busy right now.”

I think he is puzzled but also resigned and so we all sit on a bench. Ten minutes later DOG shows up, feeling a bit better. Not a little cheer, nor an applause, nothing.

14. I always think I don’t want kids until I see them being helped putting their little backpacks on. Those handles are so, so difficult to grasp. Maybe I just wish someone will have enough patience and tenderness towards me to help out with my handles.

15. I like sweets and baking and walks in the woods and little drawings and caricatures of me and other people, fairy tales, poems, nice films and old cinemas, coffee, bread, especially big loaves, and things that look like they come from the past/fairy tales, like a pie cooling down on a window sill, or a life without the internet. I’m 14 and just gave an interview to a literary magazine, I was recently a jury on a teenager novel price.

16. Children games: stacking various natural items on top of each other or placing them in uncanny places. Maybe weaving them together and giving them to people in gage of their unconditional love, or just for ice-cream. If you go on a walk, you can look out for those clues, proofs left behind, testimonies of a recent incredible world at play.
We were sat on the grass; he has an accountant and buys luxury condoms but, but! today he takes three daisies, makes a braid out of them, and with this jewelled floret handed to me, asks: would you like to be my girlfriend?

17. We reached mid-June and looked down at the view. 11pm, the day was glorious, the night endless, the sun still so high in the sky. It was just like those dark cold days never existed.
Somebody said: “from now on it will only go downwards”, and, I’m not sure, it was a long time ago, but I think I punched him in the face.

18. Months earlier, sunset. Someone whistles behind her.
STRANGER ON A ROCK: Shall we exchange contact and ruin the magic of this moment?
“How was he attracted to me from behind?” she thinks; “I don’t want to have any romantic involvement”, she says.
STRANGER ON A ROCK: Because you’ve just come out of a relationship?
“Because I can’t be around people too much or I cry.” She starts crying.
STRANGER ON A ROCK: Do you know the parabole?
“Which” (sniffing)
STRANGER ON A ROCK: It’s an old story about a king, who was looking all around the kingdom for an object that would make him happy when he was sad, and sad when he was happy. Every person living on his land came in front of him, but no one succeeded. One after the other, each and every of his people failed.
Until the day an old man came. He went up to the king with a ring in his hand, and through the ring, he looked at the king: it won’t last.
It won’t last? The king asked.
And then he understood: this would make him sad when he was happy, and happy when he was sad.
“What’s with the ring?”
STRANGER ON A ROCK: What do you mean?
“Why did he need a ring for that?”
STRANGER ON A ROCK: Because the king wanted an object.
“But impermanence isn’t an object”.
STRANGER ON A ROCK: But at least you’re not crying anymore.
“Am I being very ungrateful for the nice parabole?”
STRANGER ON A ROCK: It’s OK.
She starts crying again.

19. In this day and age it is difficult to decide if someone is on drugs or just wearing new shoes, judging solely by the way he’s walking.

20.
HIM to ME: I’m listening to some interesting Norwegian folk music right now. This happened because I recently did a Lord of the Rings marathon and could hear an instrument which was similar to a violin but definitely wasn’t. Turns out it was a Hardanger fiddle from Norway.

ME to HIM: Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong age (all the time). I can picture ourselves dancing in some medieval town market place and being brother and sister; and our mother made us matching celebration outfits with the old curtains because we’re poor, but ingenious.


21. Listen, if it ever happens, that you feel a bit confused and unstable, try to read the creation myth. It doesn’t matter which culture, any will do. You’ll feel better.

22. She was gifted a cuckoo clock. It’s her house companion. The only problem is that it sings, not the hour, but the number. For example it sings three times at three o’clock, eight times at eight o’clock and so forth. Fortunately, it is light responsive, meaning it knows when it is dark, therefore night, therefore she must be sleeping and it can’t disturb. Unfortunately, they live in Norway, and just like the confused neighbours, casually mawing the lawn at 11pm, or the real disorientated birds, still singing at 3 in the morning, from April til August it doesn’t know when to shut up. Her nights are cuckooed. She becomes demented. 

23. She lays down on her bed thinking about the time where everything was fine.

24. Who are the people on stock photos? Because we all agree they are not real people. Who are they? Where are they from? Where did they learn those smiles?

25. The thing I will miss most about my Nokia is when it tells me he’s not ready. He’s just woken up and maybe I’m too eager, and I click on “create new message” or “inbox”, and he’d just say, I’m really not ready yet.
Smartphones are always up for it. They are like a bad friend’s influence, always up for partying and drinking too much, ending up being completely wasted before time, when you need them most, it is 10pm and before the party begins they are already gone, and they can’t give you advice about the new girl or boy you like, who’s been sitting alone in the corner all this time. Nokia isn’t always ready, and sometimes he’s busy too. Doing what? we don’t know, but we know we need to try later. 

26. If you put on a dating app profile that you’ve had mononucleosis, according to OP, it only lowers the dating pool by 10%. I say, be honest.

27. Sometimes I try to refuse cookies and deny categorically access, I go onto plain text version and realise it’s impossible to read anything or the experience is not pleasurable, so I go back on my principles and feel bad.

28. I left my editor with my hard drive and when I came back to it every clip and scene was marked in latin: 
“It’s more organised.

28. When you are streaming a video and they automatically put those pop-ups of online dating of 20 something Russian girls, gambling and obscure tangent to pornography type of videogames; because you must be a bad, bad person.

29. “All I want”, the fully grown man whispered into his ear, “is someone to play chess with”. Santa nodded.

30. The city below looked like the crib they used to have around the Christmas tree when she was little, minus the religious aspect. As the sun when down and the sky turned into a diluted version of a rainbow, the little lights in each and everybody’s homes started to glow, just like the tiny bulbs of the fairy light’s in Marcello’s barn. Or was it Giuseppe? I think Jesus’ dad was Giuseppe, she must be mixing it up with their actual neighbour’s name, back then, which was Marcello, definitely. It is curious how we all know about Mary, but Giuseppe, or Joseph, I mean (or Marcello), is in the collective imagery’s shadow. She didn’t even give birth, so why discredit him?
Anyway; the sun was setting in the far North, and in the deserted streets of a quarantined capital a 24 year old was learning how to ride a bike.

31. HEALTH FOOD FUNDAMENTALIST:”I refuse to buy your strawberries”, her reusable carrier bag full of seasonal products like apples and bananas. “It’s March. If you’re going to sell strawberries on steroids at least have the decency to wait until May.”

32. Later: “He’just a passive guy, lets life wash over him. He’s even a passive smoker! Do something! At least get your own disease!”

33. She reveres certain foods, she believes they are going to save us from virtually anything. They are millenial’s heroes, they call them “superfoods”. “Do you have cancer? Have you tried blueberries?”

34. They go to a rally wearing caps saying “BLUEBERRIES BEAT DEATH”.

35. They know things doctors do not know.  
She, for example, only goes to let them know about her homemade diagnosis and what she recommends to be prescribed. If the doctor disagrees, she simply changes.

36. I start with edible things, see, oranges for example. I spend a couple of hours with them, just us in the kitchen. I find myself, in the end, with something completely inedible. Now, something must happen, in the process, rendering the edible inedible along the way. This is my cooking process.

37. Caught in an unbearable in-between, an inadequacy to stick to her time, but the incapacity to do anything other. She lacks the manual abilities of the old days and the literacy of the new.

38. She walks the streets of London singing the theme from “My Uncle” by Jacques Tati. At some point she gets carried away, lifts her hat and says “good day”! But nobody answers.

39. Poetry, when the bureaucrat decides to bend the rules and looks into the case-by-case basis.
Poetry, when the store attendant at Costco’s finds a newborn’s sock in the canned and packaged food department.

40. In French: “pourquoi?”, literally “pour-quoi”, what for? Asking why is stressing on the intention, the direction. What for?

41. I looked out from the upper floor window at the car parked in front of the house (a second-hand Suzuki van formerly used by a local council gardener in some British country town, that we drove all the way from England, well, he drove it, I couldn’t drive back then, I was the supportive passenger, my role primarily being providing the entertainment and putting things in the plastic bag assigned as a bin). And in that split second, standing in my house, seeing my car nicely parked, through the garden, I understood people’s lives, their hopes, and how it is like to be a forty-year-old American or Norwegian middle-class mother on a Sunday afternoon. It feels like, somehow, you are not going to die.

42. People think that performers are extroverts, shame-free kind of individuals. I feel like it can be the opposite. Acting is loving the attention of not being me. What a relief.

43. “Can I win the lottery?” Santa says he’ll try his best. “You know”, she whispers, “I don’t completely discard the idea that one day we will be in our thirties and have a fixed income. But just to be on the safe side...”
“I’ll try’.

44. A group of people sit in the metro, talking and making jokes. The “organiser”, also known as woman on phone managing the group chat/live conversation/table reservation/saying updates out loud/and knowing which station to get off at, announces, listen to this : J is already at the restaurant. He got the table.
They all laugh. He’s always so punctual. (J made his way by himself, and is the only person in the group who got to the restaurant on time). 

“I mean, he’s cute, but he still lives like it’s the 50’s.”
“He probably even got you flowers!”

45. Interior, Indian restaurant, music is playing. Man alone at a table for 10 is playing snakes on his phone. 

46. Capitalism : if I ever get homesick I go to the Muji store.

47. It’s mid December and the Christmas tree vendors are packing up at the end of a cold day. She stands in front of the guy in charge. 

“I have a special request”.
She slips her body in the tubular tree plastic wrapping device and gets spinned round and round. She emerges covered in netting, thinking : “I was a caterpillar. now I’m a cocoon. Soon I’ll be a butterfly. Watch out, just watch out”

48. It’s a basement. Not an apartment. It’s a room without windows. They said it would be an apartment. In my semi-comatose state I rearrange the place, change the lighting do anything to make it more homey, how can you make a basement homey, it’s like I’m trying to pimp a prison cell; you know what they did? the sneaky, they put curtains in front of the plain wall to give us the illusion that something nice could lie behind. 
Just a plain wall. I have to imagine there’s windows, and breathe and try not to panic. I spray essential oils, inhale lavender. Not working. Wait, in the kitchen, there’s a window, a tiny single window all the way up the ceiling, underneath a street lamp, it’s outside, it’s light, it’s people and they walk and breathe fresh air. I drag the camp bed underneath the window and keep inhaling the lavender. I lie in bed and close my eyes, and imagine fragrant fields with the wind bustling in the tall grass. I open my eyes, what’s that thing, how didn’t I notice, a few centimeters away from my face, shining. I sit and figure, it’s the emergency exit, the ladder. My biological feng-shui dragged me straight underneath the sole exit point of the room, paranoia so deeply engrained in my system it comes without thinking. 

49. I was worried about her, with the whole pandemic, but she moved quickly onto a more pressing issue, which caught her attention and exceeded any other topic: the NASA declared that brooms would stand by themselves, today and today only, because of the very special axis of the earth, and that the phenomenon wouldn’t occur in another 3,500 years. As we spoke, she rushed to get her broom, leaving me with unresolved filial concerns, and, sending a message to all her friends, a wave of “pings” quickly followed. A dozen of middle-aged women turned scientists shared the result of their experiments via WhatsApp, scientific proof in image. “Mum, I’ll call you back”.

50. Musicians arbitrarily decide they are going to play something for you and you need to sit quietly and smile and sort of shake your head pretending they’re being so charming right now. 


51. The sad tale of the sexy underwear.
Sexy underwear was once bought in an outburst of self-confidence, somewhere between May and June, when the weather was turning warm again and the sun shining for the first time in months. 
Then sexy underwear waited to be worn. It waited and waited.
One day, all the other underwear was dirty and busying themselves in the washing machine, so sexy underwear was picked from the bottom of the drawer. It thought its days of glory had come. But then, sexy underwear was ridiculously uncomfortable, it shouted, I’m not meant to be worn, I’m supposed to be taken off! But no one listened. It was put back in its drawer and altogether forgotten.

52. This was the tale of the sexy underwear, 1867,
Mecklenburg-Vorpommern,
Germany.

53.
PERSON: How long have you lived here? 
OTHER PERSON: Five years in June.
PERSON: Why are you still living with cardboard boxes?
OTHER PERSON: Switzerland.
OTHER PERSON: They are emotionally loaded but they don’t want to be involved.

54. Cardboard saw: birth, death, marriage, divorce. Cardboard remained upsettingly plain, upholding like no other material this level of impassibility. 
Glass would break, and cry, and let you look inside.
Wood let’s not even talk about that guy, so malleable and alive, so knotted, if you read his rings you can count his age he’s a mess already. 

55. German guy. He walks around the office bare feet, without shame.

56. Southern man visits Norway. He uses his girlfriend’s hairdryer when she isn’t around to warm up. It feels good. Once she comes home early and catches him in the act. She thinks he washes his hair often.

57. I want to be an elegiac poet, no! I want to be an aristocrat. 

58.
TONGUE: Why sweet and savoury pop corns in one box?

TONGUE: Why mix them?

TONGUE: Can’t you see it hurts?

TONGUE: It hurts so bad. I get the little dots that sting.

TONGUE: STOP SWEET AND SAVOURY.

They do a march even. Next to them are the health food fundamentalists. 

TONGUE to OTHER TONGUE:
Did you know blueberries could beat cancer?

59. Two guards at night, in front of the Queen’s palace. The night is clear, the park empty. From afar we can only see their uniform, them silent, just...guarding. As we approach, under the moonlight, we see almost imperceptibly that their lips are moving.  

GUARD, looking ahead : “Bring your flattering words and play the lover...”

OTHER GUARD remains still, glancing with the corner of his eye.

GUARD: “and, whoever you are, add a humble prayer.”
They remain silent.
GUARD: “Sing the moon, and..”
OTHER GUARD, interrupting : What the fuck are you saying?
GUARD: I think I’m in love with you.

Then the guard needs changing and they march away. They never talk about it again.

57. Accosting the tramway driver.
“So, how is it like to drive a tram?”
No answer. 
“Do you wish you could break free sometimes? When you drive car, is it strange? Do you miss your direction?”
He is asked to take a seat.
“I like your style”. 
He complies.

58. Whilst the other pupils did maths she had to go to a separate room to do “right-handed therapy”. This consisted of a series of exercices to cure her from her evil inborn left-handedness. Example: hop on your right leg x500. Circle the air with your right hand x200.

59. He wants sexy showers. She wants to save the environment. He switches to a renewable energy supplier. Everyone is happy. (Pitch for an ad to sensitize customers to energy waste. End slogan: “save the trees”).


60. They make out on the sofa. “Let’s go upstairs”, she suggests (bedroom). They stop everything and carefully follow each other in the narrow staircase. They’re upstairs. It’s too cold. “Let’s go downstairs”. Pause again, careful in the staircase. (Pitch for an ad to sensitize customers to energy waste. End slogan: “save the trees”).

61. US government everlasting love guidelines:
-travel itineraries for vacations you took together, especially to the home country of the spouse seeking a green card
-phone or chat records showing that you talk regularly
original copies of:
-wedding photos
-photos from parties, events, and trips
-letters, emails or cards you sent to each other
-receipts for any gifts (such as candy, flowers, or jewelry, no everyday household items such as groceries) you purchased for each other (receipts or invoices listing one spouse as the “bill to” name and the other spouse as the “ship to” or “recipient”name are especially helpful)

62. On the third shelf to the right in the living room lies a thick ring binder. There can be found relics of his dating economy since 1984. He once added it up and realised he could have bought himself a Mercedes-Benz. He never got married. He continues to keep the receipts, just in case. His friends call him romantic. Sometimes, on the especially lonely nights, he flips though his binder like some would with old photobooks, and gets brought straight back to the old days. Rita, 1992: a blueberry muffin, pepperming tea, and a latte size grande, $7.83. Agnes, 1996: braised pork ribs, a side salad, smoke salmon, two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon, cover, bread, more bread, plus the tip, $196.72. Sharon, 1997, 31.May at exactly 15:43; a rain poncho and a pack of Malboro Light. $6.20.

63. They’re by the sea. He likes a little shade. He doesn’t sit on the sand or a towel, but on a slightly elevated spot, say a coobox. No backrest. His legs are crossed. Not cross-legged, crossed. His elbows rest on his lap and he looks at a distance melancolically. “Aren’t you coming in?” He sees her figure against the sun and needs to squint. Her wet hair is dripping and she looks at him tilting her head to the side, as she would for a small child. He shakes his head.
“Are you afraid of the jellyfish?”
He nods.
She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.
In his head he makes a list of all the reasons why jellyfish are scary.

64. Sometimes, she googles him just to see his face. Still. 

65. Back in the days you would tour with your act. The same 3.5 minutes, again and again. And people would each night dicover it anew, completely fresh. You would roam from town to town with your 3.5 minutes and be a hero. Now you perform 3.5 minutes, someone sticks it on the internet, and we all saw it, it’s funny, and what’s next? But to come up and perfect these 3.5 minutes took months. To stay in the loop you’ve got to come up with new material constantly. Which brings me to the question: can the world run out of jokes?

66. She was thinking how pop corn really should be called “popped corn” and this false appellation quickly became intolerable to her.

67. I’ve never had 100% popping rate.


68. He hasn’t written in months and came back with the known act of “submarining”.
“Do I owe you money?”, she answers.

69. The ladies from the online recipe books always say it’s enough for 16, and actually, it’s enough for 6. I always wonder if they’re skinflints or it’s just my being Italian.

70. There’s this salad dressing that if you catch it wrong it smells like sweat, but I can never find the name for it.

71. He walks in, gives his coat to the cloak attendant. Looks around.
“Gosh, I’m the coolest person in the room again”.

1. They walk the empty streets at night. It’s about their third date. 
“Do you believe in fairies?”
He mentally loses his means, undecided as to whether he should take it as a joke or give her a fully-developed answer. The first could upset her if she, in turn, was serious. The second would make him sound like a psycho, which would be unfair as she initiated it. 
“Because if you did”, she adds, “this would definitely be their headquarters”.
She points at the dark garden to their left, where a single bird feeder hangs from a small tree branch, filled with a string of tiny glimmery lights.

2. When people say OCD what they actually mean is “she’s so obsessive compulsive”, not “she’s so obsessive compulsive disorder”. But if they said “she’s so OC” no one would understand. So they are bound to be grammatically incorrect to be socially accepted. 

3.
BUM HURTER //
YOU HURT MY BUM =
YOU’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS (milder)

4. I always choose grammatical correctness.

5. Those mezzanine floors. I don’t know. It’s like you’re sleeping on a shelf.

6. She had an homonym. She knew about her thanks to the internet. She found out whilst googling herself. Years later she was wondering how homonym was doing. So again, she googled her own name. She found a death notice. She was dead. She wondered if she was now the only one on earth. It made her sad, like she had lost an unborn twin. She stopped googling herself.

7. All the little particles you suddenly see in the light when you put a jumper on. Who are these little guys?

8. Maybe we should pause a second on the fact that all humans’ top leisurly social activities involve slowly killing themselves.

9. The poisonous plants are always the ones that are most colourful, the most attractive.

10. Power to the ugly, the fat and the chubby.

11. My friend is a biologist. He has this theory that males are funnier than females because they had to. I thought it was mysoginist until I listened. “See, in the animal realm, females choose who they want to mate with, they have the choice between a vast array of males. So the males need to distinguish themselves, prove they are physically stronger in order to carry on the specie. If they show they are clever, they are more likely to avoid attacks from predators.” 
“-So what are you saying, birds are funny now?”

“I’m saying that when it comes to men, if we are not so physically attractive, we need to make up for it, to show we can still carry on with the specie. So we had to find tricks and we became funny. For survival.”

“-But women don’t have to?”
“No. You don’t understand. We’re desperate.”

12. They lie in bed after sex. 
“I like the week”. 
She looks at him.
“You know. Some people, they don’t. (growls, oh no it’s monday again gngn) But I really do.”

“Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...”

13. Here’s a tale. Pornography is freely available, sex a convenience, and emotions involved only as part of a contractual agreement. The norm is engaging in meaningless activities again and again. Romance is bad-mouthed, an outdated ideal of somewhat reactionary principles, reserved to the weak, aged and faithful. Sex, we’re told, is healthy. Romanticisim, toxic. Excitment is a welcome, momentary break from vertical scrolling, to the enticing variety of orizontal swipes. Swiping to get down to business : scrolling for everything else. Sex, which is healthy, should therefore be available for home delivery within the same district. Sex workers are on call. They are not covered by social insurance and they don’t have holiday pay. Actually, they don’t know they are sex workers. What they know is that no strings are attached, because strings, are no good.

14. 
HIM: Are you asleep?
HIM: Hmmm. (silence) Hmmno. I’m drafting emails. (silence) You?
HIM: I just won an oscar.
HIM: Hmmm. (silence) Good. (silence) Best wishes.

15. Hanging out with girl friends. Precise itinerary, time,  location and eventful alternance of interesting conversations. A book in the sun. Some food later.
Hanging out with boys. That’s what you do. Literally hang. Outside. No plan. Show up and hang.

16. There is no more storage in the cloud. Now they’re taking the mic. Why no storage? It’s a cloud! It’s not a thing. How has the infinite space run out of room? 

17. We’re in the cloud. I’m sat on a swing between my bachelor’s dissertation and the 247 photographs of my last holiday in Greece. There is a rainbow, and a light rain. Dropbox walks up to me. He asks me to leave. Apparently I’m taking too much space and This American Life’s podcast is refusing to enter. I ask if we can just kick Benny Goodman’s Greatest Hits. Everyone looks at me like I’m a freak. “You’re not welcome here”.

“How has the infinite space run out of room?”
“-You’re not welcome here.”

18. Some foods just take over your body, like beetroot. And all of a sudden everything that comes out of you is pink. Or Asparagus. And everything that comes out of you stinks. I wonder why. It feels wrong to be so easily altered, like my matter is just porous, thin air. 

19. He wears glasses for everything except from sexual intercourse. He keeps them during foreplay, but when he loses the glasses, we know it’s getting hot. She thinks he looks like a newborn baby who’s just seen the day, like he’s discovering a new world, and it takes her a few seconds to get used to this new sexual creature. They get into this choreographic process of him delicatly folding the branches whilst she reaches for a condom. She finds this hilarious but needs to hold back. She wonders if he can see her smile, probably not; his eyes aren’t accustomed yet.

20. An immigrant is the one who once faced the choice of staying or moving; chose movement and could never stop, because stopping would mean retracing his steps back.

21. I know this calls for a dirty joke, but I’d like to learn how to use my mouth nicer, like whistling beautifully or learning how to inflate a balloon. That’s all I was gonna say.

22. MOTHER goes to dinner party and leaves HUSBAND and CHILDREN at home.
HUSBAND and CHILDREN are snacking on virtually anything she was meant to bring. When HUSBAND pretends to hide he took a piece of the perfectly circular cake she baked, she knew she had no other choice.
From that day on, when she was invited to dinner parties, MOTHER baked everything twice, one for the party, and one for home. Attending dinner parties became stressful. She started to lie. 

23. One word : fake pockets. whywhywhy. I feel cheated.

24. GUEST has arrived and starts to park in front of the house. But then that song starts playing on the radio....GUEST has the choice between turning the key, or humming along... GUEST really likes that song. HOST approaches the window. GUEST is ashamed to be seen and also really likes that song, so he starts driving around the block, managing to hide from HOST. When the song finally ends, GUEST feels content and light-hearted, and like he’s in a movie. When he turns again in the street and drives past the house, there’s no parking space left. He turns up half and hour late. He walks in and is immediately greeted by a couple. Within five minutes he wishes to be out of the conversation and excuses himself (toilet escape). He thinks that waiting for the song was worth it.

25. Those ten minutes prior to the first guest arriving. An infinity. Mild stomach cramps from excitment. Candles lit, and blankets nonchalantly arranged on sofas, to indicate cosiness and hospitality, but also an impeccable sense of style.

“Don’t you dare”.
She is still, standing in the middle of the living room: spotted him with the corner of her eye. He slowly moves away from the sofa and holds himself back. He walks next to her in the middle of the room, still. He forgot how nicely the pillows had been puffed up. 
“I guess a crisp is out of the question”.

26. There used to be an asshole bringing an acoustic guitar at each house party and sneakily reclaiming undue attention. The thing about music is, you can’t block it out. So everybody needs to shut up and nods at how charming they are. She was getting to know this cute guy she’d tried to talk to the whole evening. ASSHOLE interruped her attempts, she believes on purpose. This ballad is hijacking her lovelife. She throws a fake smile. ASSHOLE finally ends his first cover.
“And now comes a ballad, I’ve learnt whilst travelling in India...” She takes a sip of her drink and goes outside.

27. Acoustic guitars, in the barometer of charming male-musician-hijacking-parties, have now been replaced by DJs, although pianists have made a brief resurgence. The DJ is the new sex symbol, equally unattainable because surrounded in a booth of seeming technological complexity, when, technically, he is just putting on what others have already made, and frowning his brow in concentration like it is a very very complex process. I anxiously wait for the advent of the trumpet player. 

28. She decided to reclaim bed space by drawing a delimitation of territory in gaffer tape. This was to improve her quality of sleep. As he would slowly veer closer to her, she would lose ground and find herself with a tiny portion of the mattress and a deadweight body.
“This side” she presents, “is mine.
That’s where I sleep. Thats side, is yours. There can be no infringement whatsoever. No leg, no foot, not pinky toe.”
She later decreted a “penis” amendment, which was unanimously accepted.

29. Her foreign boyfriend insisted on “canvassing” their love forever on a bridge in Paris. They threw the key in the river. Parisian authorities are pissed off at all these lovers as bridges are starting to collapse because of the weight. 
“Leur romance est un danger public”, claims the Mayor. [their romance is a public menace]. One day, authorities, armed with pliers, did a razzia. Unexplicably, couples started to break up all over the world, particularly in Japan. Nobody made the connection.

30. Her fingers started to hover in temptation over the keyboard.
“No!”, she looks away, resisting this incredibly strong urge. It is the desire of wanting to know and the extreme fear of actually finding out. She made a rule, never Google your lover.

31. She hands her CV to the interviewer. It’s a self-deprecative post-modern self-ironic new presentation, see, where she lists who she’s slept with at which party, and which job this actually led to. She’s in film.

32. Someone rebelled against government measures and tried a “free hugs” campaing during the pandemic. But nobody came up to him, and he got sad, so sad. He started to hug himself, which worked fine because he had very long arms. He wrote an ebook about it, “I’m a Primate and I need Love”.

33. He heard rumours that when going to the toilets on a plane, he had to tell the flight attendants so they would come wipe it. He got into it and shouted “I’m finished!”, but nobody came. He slid his head through the door and told the flight attendant again, “Hi, I’m finished”.

34. Suddenly, there’s all this computer in my life. It’s become the soundtrack of my days. When I need a break, I catch up on Infinite Jest and the Old Testament.

35. She applies mascara, and carefully fixes her lipstick. Her shirt his ironed, her shoes polished. It’s shopping day during pandemic. Last week she spotted a cutie in the pet supply aisle. She pretended to buy the same dog food. She hopes to see him again. 

36. “...and then, he touched my hand”.

37. He is ready to die for you.

38. They are running around like demented. Usually, the excitement motivates them, but today, surrounded by the empty stadium, it’s particularly hard to run after the goddamn ball.

DEFENDER 3: I wonder if my life has any meaning.

They tried to give them pre-recorded cheering and applaude, like for sitcoms, but it’s not quite the same.
COACH 1, from one side of the stadium: So, how was your week-end?

COACH 2, from the opposite side of the stadium (shrugs his shoulders): Same old.
ATTACKER 2 goes for a piss and nobody notices.

39. The Spotify lady has a challenging task. “Life without interruption, what a dream”. And you’ve got to agree that life would be nicer without her, and with premium instead. So you’re both agreeing that she’s big time annoying and you’d rather have her stop talking.
But she also needs to be pleasant enough for you to listen through on the first place, and agree with her. It’s a subtle balance.

40. A supermarket in Britain.
CASHIER: How are you?
CUSTOMER 1: How are you?
And there shall be no receipt.
CASHIER: How are you?
CUSTOMER 2: How are you?
CASHIER: How are you?
CUSTOMER 3: I woke up with menstrual cramps but it turns out I’m not due til another week! So I thought, perhaps indigestion. Did I get some yoghurt? Then my dad called, and I think my grandpa is doing better, but who knows. Now I’m set to meet my friend who’s having relationship problems, but I am starving and I don’t know if this is any good.

41. (pause)
TWO-MEN-DOWN-THE-LINE leans sideways: It’s pretty good.
Next person in line nods.

42. He lent her a book unknowingly opening up his soul. There was the perfume, the cornered pages, the logics of which she tried to decipher as she read. She figured that bottom corners meant he liked what was written towards the bottom of the page, and same for the top. She figured there was a hierarchy of folds, bigger or tiny according to their significance. In this way she could rank his thoughts and feelings. As she read, she became increasingly embarrassed by this one-sided dialogue, by the intimate entry she had been given access to without full consent, like a voyeur.

43. “I’m feeling feverish”, she told him on the phone, and he was worried. “Did you measure your temperature?”
“- I’m doing it right now”, and he loved her very much but was uncomfortable with the thought of a theromemoter in her anus as they spoke.
So he didn’t ask, and simply said : “I hope you’ll feel better soon”.

44. Further on this: they were having a truly great time, getting to know each other, cooking for each other, sharing references, as newly aquainted romantic pals often do. She would return to her place after a few days, to poo, reset and pick up clean clothes, and they would start it all over again.

45.
Relationships work this way, as a slow, progressive downgrade in compliments. Example:

WEEK 1: “You’re so hot with glasses.”
WEEK 5: “You’re so cute with glasses”.

46. Stop existential boredom now.

47. “This message has been removed”.
If you never knew it existed on the first place, you would be able to cope. But this is now unbearable. What was she saying? What did she write, that she was unable to stand behind within the three following seconds? Was it a bad joke, something deeper? Was it a typo? And the prospect of never knowing nor being able to ask is devouring you. 

48. “You know, we can’t be together all of the time.”

-Why? Why can’t we? Who says? I want to be together all the time.

“Why? Because we’re going to merge into a double-headed one-bodied creature, like those siamese twins and we’re going to think the same talk the same ask the same questions. People will expect us to show up together at parties. And in the rare occurance of you not being with me, they will ask “where is he?” and this will deny any individuality or critical thinking of my own. We will become each other’s surrogates, interchangeable, and this is how things end. This is unhealthy and toxic and poisonous and any other nasty synonym you can think of.

-OK, then why does it feel so good to be around you? And not as good when I’m not?

“Well that’s the key sweetie, it’s like being a child all over again. And your mum doesn’t want to let you go to school, because you could die by eating your playmat or your pal Timmy could irreversibly puncture your eye with a colouring pen or some shit like that.
But she knows you will be a retarded 25 year-old with social issues if she doesn’t. So she turns back, walks to the classroom door with a tear in her eye, makes sure she doesn’t look back, and hopes for the best until 5pm.”

-We can choose to be apart without fearing to be abandoned or dead by now. And we can choose to be together knowing we have nothing to prove. We’ve already been 25-years-old with social issues. The damage is done.

“Seriously you’re not being cooperative.”

-We will turn into this couple who doesn’t go to parties on Saturday nights. We will watch interesting documentaries instead of eating junk food and being hangover, because we’ve been there and seen it and we’ve decided to grow up and queue for brunch instead and be sophisticated and boring and wise and procreate. We already are this monster. It’s inevitable.

“It’s totally evitable. Or at least postponable.”

-How? How is that not going to happen? Why is it so bad?

“Go home.”

-I want to sleep with you. I want to be intimate with you. I want to share emotions and thoughts with you, and for you to trust me.

“The poisonous flowers are always the most colourful ones.”

-What? Why are you proverbing me?

“Your name is Biblical. Everytime I even call you I feel I’m saying the word of God.”

-What do you want?

“I want us to see each other because we’re happy and caring. I don’t want us to be co-dependent and needy, and...”

-We’re seeing each other?

“I want us to be mutually exclusive.”

-Jesus Christ.

“Yeah. I want us to be mutually exclusive.”

-Weren’t we exclusive already?

“Yes. But no, that’s different. I want us to function as different entities who sometimes meet.”

-But when we’re not meeting we’re already doing the same thing. Why can’t we do it together? 

“It’s not because it feels good that it is good. Actually often it’s a sign it’s not good for you.”

-Hmpff.

“Hmpff all you want. I have examples.”

-Of course you do. It’s like a court case of why I shouldn’t sleep here tonight. Promise you’ll never be a lawyer. You’re scary. You would win. Everything. You would be the kind of person who’s so aggressive and convincing, you would have made Goebbels win.”

“Thank you.”

-Why do you hate me?

“I would like this to work.”

-This is your way to make it work?

“Yes?”

-This is my way to make this work.

“Stop hugging me...seriously...you have to stop”.

She shouts her lungs out and starts to run down the corridor. He jumps, surprised, exhausted. 

“YOU ARE THE POISONOUS FLOWER! YOU ARE THE APPLE OF TEMPTATION!”

49. I hate to say this, but it’s true. My life is much easier when I have a boyfriend. When I go to a party, I can dance my heart out without anyone trying to hump me. I can leave the house without a bra on and wear exactly what I feel like without being called up in the streets, or even looked at. My relationships improve, too. Women no longer see me as a competitor, and become rather pleasant and open. Men are friendly and laugh at my jokes, in the relaxed and acceptant knowledge that nothing else is going to happen. Having a partner is my alibi to the world. Let her be free.

50. She is sat in her living room with her laptop, candles on and classical music playing in the background, going through all the reasons why she will die from birth control.

51. She it sat in her living room looking at a list of all the effects of MDMA and realises this is how she feels most of the time, and definitely something is wrong with her. She calls up a friend. “Do you think something is wrong with me?”
-I’m so happy you realised!

52. She tries to explain that the reasons why her social life as a teenager had been so poor is because she hold on to finishing all the classics. She once decided not to go to a party in order to finish The Picture of Dorian Gray, and to date she believes it was worth it, and that this view is problematic.

53. I think so many Southern italians are single because the prospect of food outweighs the prospect of sex. In most countries, people go out, put their coolest clothes on, and get drunk. First of all, if you put those skinny jeans or tight dresses on in Italy, you will shed your own skin when you try to take it off later. The sweat will merge your body and the fabric. It’s just too hot to consider real clothes, so you turn up in cargo shorts and flipflops. Then you sit down and order an Aperol Spritz or whatever, and start to look at the “appetizers”. The size of the appetizer equals a normal meal in any other place in the world. You don’t order one. You order ten. For the table. There is literally no chance you will get drunk with this amount of food in you. So people don’t hook up because their mouth is full of fried meatballs at any given moment of the night. See, usually people have a meal as an excuse to meet someone they like. They have dinner because they hope to get laid. In Italy, it’s the other way around : we meet people as an excuse to eat. 

A night out usually is a Way of The Cross of food. We only leave the house in the rare event of an empty pantry.
This theory also backs up the relationship Italian men have with their mothers. They may be very attracted to this woman, and however charming she is, however sexy, however funny : hold on, how much food am I going to miss out on?

54. When people say “good for you!”,
I hear : “bad! bad for you! how dare you be happy whilst I am sitting in pain and misery.”

55. I am sat at the library and a girl is studying inside her laptop. Her eyes are literally so close to the screen that I think they are secretly trying to become one.
Someone is hoovering the books because it’s technically the summer holiday. But this doesn’t disturb me as much as the girl. Why am I there if it’s the summer holiday, you may ask? I was not socializing.

56. When you live with people it’s common to spend a lot of time together. If you live alone and invite your friends over for dinner every single night and ask them to watch films with you, it becomes weird. It’s one of these things. You start to miss the domesticity, the ease with which you can be in each other’s presence without expecting anything from one another, simply because you’re here, living, doing simple, easy tasks alongside. I miss cleaning with people.

57. Who can really say, I am here? I am here. Fully and completely.

58. The garbage collector walks in my garden with a cigarette in his mouth, he walks up to the bin but notices from the corner of his eye the cat lying in the sun, he goes up to him, gives him a stroke, and smiles, he gets the bin and looks back still smiling, what’s the rush collecting trash when you can close your eyes in the sun and smile at a cat. I think this man is happy.